Lately, I feel like I've been waiting on God for some huge sign. Some clear message about the future. Some questions are big ones that I would rather not decide myself. Should we move? Should we have another baby? (Someday?) If so, when? Should I work more or less? I don't ever want to quit my job. Ever. But this year, I feel like a real semi-stay home mom and it feels amazing. I get to pick my kids up from school every day and take them to AND from their activities. Heck, last week I even stayed to watched Holly's dance class.
AS A MOM! It rocked.
While we are on the topic, I also have approximately 47 billion small questions that need a VERY clear answer. I'm not good at reading between the lines. For example:
Hey Lord, is it a good idea to let Holly dance 4 nights a week? Also, should I find a more loving home for this dog that I can't stand? Am I delusional in thinking that Stella is showing signs of wanting to be potty trained? Also, how crazy am I in wanting to talk to Sam about S-E-X before his friends do?
It's hard being a mom. Its my favorite title but its also the most tiring. Being a wife gets easier all the time. Not that it was ever super difficult but maybe it's just that I'm finding the groove as the years go on. Gage and I just compliment each other in all the right ways. He's a worrier and I'm laid back. So when I let the kids ride bikes without helmets or share seat belts with their cousins (we call it a "tight squeeze") he jumps in and let's me know I'm off my rocker. Parking illegally does not scare me but it scares the lawyer so I had to give that one up. I don't really miss it. With that said, I'm the cook and the maid in our home. Gage leaves his shoes on the floor and BAM I pick them up. He leaves his cereal bowl ON THE COUCH and mama carries it to the sink. We are a good team. I really love him.
So where has all my thinking got me? As usual (but for some reason NEVER expected) an answered prayer that shifted my thinking completely. I feel like God is wanting to take me to a deeper level of both contentment and risk. Love what you got. Treasure who love. Also, take a leap of faith. Trust God. Dream big.
I know of marriages in jeopardy and unhealthy babies being born. I am close to far too many young girls who are bullied or trying to uphold an unhealthy image the world has for them. On top of that, last Friday a 13 year old boy was walking to our neighborhood middle school and was hit by a car at full speed. He died later that day.
My heart hurts thinking about all of these things. It physically hurts. Sometimes, that Empathy will bring these things to my mind and I can't even focus. I cried repeatedly over that little boy that I never met. Too close to home, I guess. Literally.
When I start to think, like really think, I feel uncontrollably blessed. I love my husband more than life itself and know the feelings are mutual. My kids are healthy and loved and bring us so much joy. They are confident in their own skin and they are talented. They love the Lord and strive to please Him. They know what sacrifice is and truly appreciate their blessings.
I know what contentment is suppose to and SHOULD feel like. However, I'm still thankful for God's reminders. I try not to miss the fact that when we are made weak, He is strong. So when my van, that we have owned for less than year, needs an $8,000 engine, I know God is still in control. What a relief. I know God wants me to be content and trust Him deeply. To not rely on my own strength. Whew! At the same time, take that leap of faith. Whatever that leap is. God wants to fill our hearts deepest desires. This excites me every time I think about it.
Contentment AND risk. Contradicting? Maybe, but JC is funny like that.